


Things Are Good

by cowbee



Series: Not me projecting onto sad gay hockey boys. [1]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Anxiety, Coming Out, Dex character development, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Found Family, Gay William "Dex" Poindexter, Gen, Getting Together, Got your back, M/M, Mental Health Issues, POV Derek "Nursey" Nurse, Pansexual Derek "Nursey" Nurse, chowder and farmer are both bi even if its not relevant to this story, chowder and farmer are the new sokka and suki, hockey team aka found family?, jack's story starts happening to nursey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 13:20:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29279073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cowbee/pseuds/cowbee
Summary: My love letter to Nursey. How things go in his first three years of college dealing with anxiety, hockey, school, and friendships. And things that develop from there. Basically, Nursey starts heading down a similar road as Jack before he came to Samwell. Unlike Jack at the time, Nursey has SMH, and particularly Dex, to have his back.
Relationships: Adam "Holster" Birkholtz/Justin "Ransom" Oluransi, Chris "Chowder" Chow/Caitlin Farmer, Derek "Nursey" Nurse/William "Dex" Poindexter, Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Jack Zimmermann, Larissa "Lardo" Duan/Shitty Knight, Ollie O'Meara/Pacer Wicks
Series: Not me projecting onto sad gay hockey boys. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2155830
Comments: 13
Kudos: 53





	Things Are Good

**Author's Note:**

> Just a heads up, I don't think this is a particularly dark fic but there are some potentially triggering topics. Jack's overdose is hinted at and implied in a conversation, some reference is made a few times to self harm (it's not intentional and has nothing to do with cutting) and there is a very brief, non-explicit mention of suicidal thoughts. If those things might hurt you, proceed with caution and take care of yourself! I think the T rating is appropriate.

Freshman year has been stressful so far. 

Things are good. Derek is having a good time, he really is. But he would be lying if he tried to play down how bad his anxiety was getting. He's been managing it well since he was about 12, and has a monthly meeting with a school counselor. The counselor is fine. Derek is glad to have him, but it's not the same relationship he had with his old counselor. She actually moved across the country shortly before Derek started college. It was fine, she worked really hard in the last year to get her clients set up for when she left. Derek was an easy fix, seeing as he was heading to school.

The new school counselor is fine. He does seem to genuinely care and have good insights. But Derek has heard most of the coping skills before. He knows that his anxiety is an imbalance of brain chemicals and neurotransmitters. He tries the same calming exercises, breathing techniques, self comfort, affirmations, all of it. He's been doing this forever. And it has mostly worked. Things are good.

Until now. Despite going to a preppy private school, Derek still isn't prepared for the swift change in academic pressure. And he has to get all A's. It's just not an option for him. He know's he's got certain privileges, but that doesn't change the fact that anything less than a 4.0 makes him feel like a bad reflection on his moms, or like he might get judged as just a dumb brown guy who only got here because of sports. It may be irrational; then again, it might not be. At Samwell, Derek thinks it's probably at least 70% irrational. Still, Derek won't even take a chance at finding out. 

So, he has to get all A's. It's hard, but he can do it. He's smart, and underneath the chill exterior, he really is a hard worker, and not just in sports. Speaking of, hockey is another stressor. 

Derek is actually kind of killing it, if he does say so himself. He did so well in those first few weeks that he set up quite the standard for himself. But that was before classes really got tough, and before he started sleeping and eating less in favor of studying. Keeping up with the expectations of his teammates is hard, even though he knows they would be chill if he had some off-days. Or even an off-week. 

Somehow, he and Dex are like magic on the ice. Not quite like Holster and Ransom, but the potential for that level of connection is definitely there. After a few more years of this, Derek could totally see him and Dex being on that level. 

If only Dex wouldn't kill him first. Derek knows he isn't always easy to get along with, but it seems like Dex almost seeks out the conflict. Not that Derek is short on anything to call him out on; Dex has issues. Clearly a lot of which stem from growing up in a close-minded town with a family to match. And Derek doesn't think that in a judging way, despite his failure to communicate that verbally. He knows Dex won't flip a switch overnight. Hell, he might not flip the switch at all. But in the meanwhile, can he at least not be so misogynistic? 

Derek was frankly surprised at the lack of gendered smack-talk on the Samwell team. And apparently it was like this even before Bitty. They just weren't that kind of team. Derek loved that and finally felt like he might fit in with hockey culture, if this was the culture. But Dex didn't seem so keen on quitting his old ways. Chowder easily enough dropped the lingo, admitting to Derek once that he never felt comfortable with it and only did it to fit in on his old team. Dex apparently did not feel the same.

So he and Derek fought. Frequently. And their mutual annoyance or dislike seemed to seep into other areas too, causing more disagreements. And it wasn't like he could just avoid Dex. Even outside of hockey, they had to interact. Somehow, Chowder had become both of their best friends, and they had two freshman gen ed courses together. And he lived down the hall.

Derek sometimes got annoyed that Chowder could be so chill about Dex. Even though "chill" was generally Derek's whole M.O., people like Dex just got under his skin. And Derek knows that it isn't fair to expect Chowder not to be his friendly, sunshine self just because Dex is a dick sometimes. Or something. Either way, Derek pushes that annoyance with Chowder down, because Chowder is genuinely one of the best people he knows. 

So, school was hard, hockey was hard, and interpersonal relationships were hard. His "as-needed" anxiety pills become more frequent, almost weekly doses. Normally he manages pretty well without the meds and only needs them a couple times a month on really bad days. But he checks with the counselor and his psychiatrist and his mom's, and they all affirm whatever he needs to do as long as he is responsible and still using the other skills he knows first. The psychiatrist tells him to check in again in a few weeks, and let him know if it gets to be more than twice a week.

Derek lasts until Spring, keeping a lid on everything and managing well enough. He really is happy. He wouldn't say his depression is cured, but he went off anti-depressants two years ago and feels genuinely good. He is happy, joyful even, to be here. His life is good. It's just stressful. His self-confidence is pretty low, he is hard on himself, but it's rewarding. 

The pride in his moms' eyes when he came home for Christmas and they got the news that he was on the Dean's List. The pride in his teammates cellies when he was good on the ice, when he and Dex had a good play together. The pride in Chowder's face when Derek managed to have a frogs movie night without getting into it with Dex. Derek deserves to be here. His brain sometimes had trouble believing that, but he does. And he feels good enough that he doesn't quite notice that he is up to about two pills a week until he gets home for summer and finds himself relaxing for the first time in a long time. 

So he talks to the psychiatrist again. He recommends changing up how they dose his meds; instead of 10mg as needed, how about 4mg daily? The long term plan should help and pose less risk for messing up and taking too many by accident. And Derek knows it would be accidental, if it happened. It won't happen. But if it did, he would never do something like that on purpose. So he is happy to go along with the new plan. They ease him into it over summer, and it does actually help when he starts his month-long internship in July. By the time he heads back for preseason in August, the new routine is set and Derek feels confident.

He is elated to be back at school. He's gonna miss Jack and Shitty like hell, but it's still nothing but good to be in this place, with his team and friends. Dex has even become less of a jerk lately. Maybe baking with Bitty so much truly did rub off on him. They still bicker, but its mostly good-natured. And Dex has stopped calling people pussies, at least. Derek noticed he got a new computer, this one with no stickers. 

So interpersonal relationships get a tad bit easier. School seems to get harder, as if to compensate. And hockey stays about the same. It happens slowly, but Derek starts to feel more and more anxious. He keeps questioning his worth on the team, and every grade he gets under a 93 keeps him up for half the night. He helps Lardo with her stuff and he hangs with Chowder and he feels wanted, but as soon as those activities end, the spiral returns. 

Then Derek remembers that his medicine is the same as before, just a smaller daily dose instead of the as-needed. The as-needed dose would surely still help him. And two pills is only 8mg, which is even less than his old as-needed dose. That seems very safe to Derek, as long as he doesn't do it often. So, he keeps up his small daily dose, and every so often when it gets really bad, takes one more pill. It helps. And Derek is still overall very happy. He sees the counselor once a month still, and they've even talked about decreasing in Spring semester. Maybe every six weeks or so. Just to check in. So he keeps his new medication routine to himself. 

He and Dex get closer, Chowder always the glue between them. Dex helps around the haus and helps Bitty bake, Chowder gets doted on by Bitty and hyped up by Ransom and Holster, and Derek helps Lardo with her thesis and other assignments and helps Ransom and Holster with kegsters. 

That is one other thing that has changed this year. Last year, after his first kegster ended with him on an unsafe part of the roof, "Nursey patrol" was instituted. But now that he takes his meds daily instead of as-needed, he can't always plan a day off before the kegster. Anxiety meds and alcohol didn't mix, and Derek is responsible. So if the kegster fell on a Saturday night, he took his meds early Friday morning and then skipped Saturday and Sunday. If it fell on a Friday, he took his meds Thursday and then evaluated Friday morning. If he chose meds, no drinking. If he chose drinking, no meds. 

It was a decent system. But he always did feel scrutinized when he didn't drink. It wasn't like the guys were pressuring him, not at all, but he had built himself a reputation last year. So, to meet expectations without putting himself at risk, he kept up the flirty, free and fun persona as best he could, without being drunk. Part of it genuinely was his personality. He liked social interaction, despite not truly being an all-out extrovert. He was a tactile person and enjoyed physical contact. He was open and fun. He just had to pusha little, if he was one of the only ones sober. 

He had hooked up a few times freshman year, and even a few times fall semester. But on the nights he was sober, it never felt right to try. He knows that tipsy and drunk are two different things, but consent wise, he doesn't like having more power, even if that makes him a hypocrite. He has definitely consented while tipsy plenty of times. But usually in those situations, both parties were tipsy. Being sober while someone is tipsy, even if they're enthusiastically saying yes, doesn't sit right with him. And then thinking about that sent him down a rabbit hole. What if it shouldn't have felt right when he was drunk, but he just didn't notice? Did he take advantage of someone? So far, none of his hookups seemed to have any negative feelings towards him. He still has classes or lives in the same dorm as some of them, but they all smile or wave when they see him. None of those bloomed into any sort of relationship, but they were all decent experiences for Derek. So he tries to calm himself down whenever he gets to that line of thinking. Regardless, he slows down until he stops. When it comes to spring midterms, he hasn't hooked up in a while. He also hasn't been drunk in a while. And it's okay. Things are good.

As Ransom, Holster, and Lardo get increasingly stressed with the end of the semester and the end of the season, Derek feels his own anxiety increase, as if doing so in some sort of sympathetic-osmosis of stress. Helping Lardo starts to be more and more difficult, and the relief he feels when her thesis and final art show are over makes him feel kind of guilty. 

Surprisingly, he and Dex get closer as the year comes to a close. At first, it's just extra time spent together reviewing game film, strategizing and helping each other run scenarios. But he finds himself genuinely enjoying time spent with Dex, even without Chowder as a buffer. 

Then, the dibs flip happens. Derek brushes it off and plays chill, but honestly it hurts like a bitch that Dex has so little faith in them. It stings enough to taint whatever bond they had forming, and things are civil, but awkward between them for the rest of the year. Derek knows it's irrational but he feels like Dex deserves it more, or that Lardo must see it that way, at least. Dex fixed a million things in the haus, he baked at least 30% of what came out of the kitchen that year. It's hard for Derek to feel like he belongs there, especially with how vehemently opposed Dex is to sharing. But they can cross that bridge when they come to it, right? 

God, Derek hopes so. Because it's summer, and he just wants the knots in his shoulders to let up for a few weeks. Enjoy his low-stakes internship and get back into writing for fun. His poetry has been nonexistent lately. 

So summer comes and goes. He cheers when Bitty and Jack kiss on TV, skyping with Chowder and Dex. They gossip a little bit, and apparently both of them already knew, by accident. It's a great time, and he misses his friends. Dex even apologizes, and it makes him hopeful for the school year. Dex is less vocal in their group chat other than to like and react to the stuff Chowder and Derek say, but a t least Derek is confident that his lack of enthusiasm isn't homophobia, but probably reluctance to engage meaningfully with himself. But it's whatever. He said he was sorry, and even if he isn't thrilled to share a room with Derek, they'll cross that bridge when they come to it. 

Derek keeps up his medication routine, but skips weekends when he can. Not to get drunk, because all his friends are elsewhere in the country, but just to try and keep himself from getting too tolerant. He doesn't take a double dose all summer. 

Junior year begins and hockey is pretty much the same as always. Stressful, but good. Part of the day where he feels the most relaxed, actually, even if he stresses later. School is tough, but he's managing. But shit. Interpersonal relationships? Mur. Der. Him. Please. 

Dex finds a million things to complain about. And in order to not spiral into a pit of self-loathing, Derek convinces himself that Dex is the unreasonable one, the one being a dick, the one being the instigator. Dex showed up the first week and apologized again for overreacting in the spring. Two months into the semester, Derek is sure that Dex wishes he could take that apology and the first one back. 

Instead of logical reasoning, like he and Dex can be friends and still need space, or that they can be different people and it doesn't mean that he his less valued, Derek doesn't take well to Dex moving out. He is a jerk to Dex about it for one thing, still outwardly acting like Dex is the one at fault. But as Dex fixes up basement, moves his bungalow down there, Derek just feels like shit about himself. How awful must he be to drive someone away like that? 

Despite this negative pattern of thought, the last month of the semester goes more smoothly for them. They get back into a semi-normal, only slightly awkward groove. Almost like what they had before the dibs flip. It helps when Chowder is around. 

Then, something big happens. As they're nearing up on Christmas break, Derek notices that he is low on meds, but his next refill isn't supposed to be until school starts in January. He doesn't remember taking more than usual, and he kind of panics. What if he took too much? What if he can't get more before the refill? He has enough to last him until before the last week of break. 

After forcing himself to breathe for about fifteen minutes, he reasons that he should be fine. He still skips at least a day most weekends, and he surely won't need any double doses over break. He will probably run out about a week before returning to school, but maybe he can stretch it by skipping a weekday or two until then. It's break after all. How stressful can it be?

And he feels pretty confident. He's relaxing with his moms, his grandparents come for Christmas, then he and his moms have a quiet New Year's when his grandparents leave. The rest of break is pretty chill. He actually thinks he will be more than fine without meds for one week in January.

And then Dex knocks on his door. Derek answers, and stares open-mouthed for longer than is probably appropriate when he see's who it is. 

"You look like a fish, Nurse. Aren't you happy to see me?"

Derek isn't unhappy to see Dex. But he is a little shell shocked. And Dex is not one for bravado and actual fun chirping, so Derek is suspicious. Dex looks tired, just as tired as he had been in finals. It looks like his break hasn't been all that restful yet.

Derek snaps out of it and greets him in a passable way, then helps him get his truck into the garage. Dex has a suspicious amount of stuff in the back of the truck. The shared garage is private and has an attendant 24/7, so they can leave the stuff and just take up his small suitcase. Derek is still kind of speechless as they walk back up to the house. Dex's bravado from earlier is gone, too. He rambles, which Derek has never seen before. 

"You said... well, you probably mostly said it to Chowder, but I was also there, and you said you wanted us to visit. I- I know this isn't what you meant, probably. I should just go back to the haus, what was I thinking-"

"Dex!" Derek cuts him off, and they both freeze. They're standing outside the front door. It's cold, but neither seems to notice. "I'm happy you're here. Of course you were included when I said that," Derek says, feeling weird as the words come out but also realizing that he's being honest. "I just didn't really expect... you to take me up on that, I guess. But it's fine. It's good! I'm happy you're here." Derek manages to stop his own rambling and consciously pulls his shoulders down from where they were bunching up.

"You sure it's alright? I should have called." Dex looks at the ground and even though he hasn't said what, Derek knows something is wrong. But Dex probably doesn't want to talk about it. So he leaves it alone.

"Yeah, dude. My moms will be thrilled to have a friend of mine over." Dex actually smiles, then. They really will be thrilled. He didn't have too many friends in high school.

"We are friends. I'm sorry. Again. For... just generally being shitty about the living together." Dex blushes intensely, probably embarrassed that this is the third time he's given this apology. Derek figures he owes Dex some apologies too. 

"It's not all on you. I coulda' been easier to live with. I'm sorry too," Derek responds.

"Chowder would be so proud of us," Dex says brightly, and Derek can't help but laugh. They both head inside then, and Derek was right that his moms would be thrilled. They gush over his manners, say plenty of embarrassing things about Derek, and they talk about hockey season so far. Dex is the perfect guest. It's weird seeing him be so... emotive. Talkative? He isn't necessarily chatty, but he holds a good conversation with the Nurses for the rest of that afternoon. 

After dinner, they set up an air mattress in Derek's room (despite being expensive because of the location, the Nurses' house isn't actually big enough to have a guest room). The two of them chill for a while, watching netflix on Derek's laptop, sitting sideways on his bed, shoulder to shoulder. When they finish another episode of The Good Place, Derek reaches out to stop the auto-play. 

"Dex?" Derek can't keep wondering. He has to ask. Dex seems to already know what he wants to say.

"I... Look, Nurse. It's not that I don't want to tell you or think I can't, but... I'm not really ready to talk about it. Swear it's not you, dude. Just... can we pretend for a bit that this is just a fun surprise visit?"

Derek swallows his questions and tries to believe Dex that it isn't about him. He just nods, keeping a straight face.

"Got your back, Dex." Dex smiles, and Derek's heart clenches. Something big happened, but he shouldn't worry about it. Not now.

"Thanks, man. You wanna find a movie now?"

They browse, Dex taking the lead and settling on some indie-type netflix original. Derek thinks it looks interesting, but he's sure that it's not Dex's usual. Suddenly another question hits him.

"Dex?" he asks as the opening credits roll with a soft song.

"Yeah?" Dex turns to face him and Derek feels like something in him melts when he meets Dex's eyes. They're soft, and despite something clearly having gone down, he looks content. 

"Why did you come here? And not to Chowder? Or Ransom or Bitty?"

Dex chuckles. "Well for one thing, I can't afford a plane ticket to California." He shoulder checks Derek gently, coaxing a smile from him. "And maybe I just missed your dumb face," he continues.

"That is a bold faced lie," Derek says, fully smiling now. 

"Maybe. But also... mafrdoflyn," he mutters the last bit so low and garbled that Derek can't stop the laugh that bubbles up.

"What was that?"

"Nothing. I said I missed you, didn't I?" 

"You're giving me extremely chirp-worthy ammo as a distraction, so whatever it is must be even better."

"Yeah, let it go to your head, Nurse. I missed you so much I couldn't wait two more weeks," he says, leaning into Derek a little more. Derek laughs, loud and loose. He hasn't felt this good in a while, even in the more relaxed time with his family for break.

"I'll tell you. One day. When I don't think you'll ruthlessly chirp me for it," Dex amends.

"Sure, Dexy. One day," he laughs again. They wake up in those exact seats around three in the morning. Derek's neck is stiff where he had been leaning on Dex's shoulder. Dex rubs at his ear that had been squished on top of Derek's head. They get up and get ready for bed, brushing teeth, washing faces, and Derek putting on his silk hair cap. 

Dex crawls into his air mattress and Derek gets under his own covers. He misses the contact immediately. He let's his hand sit on the very edge of the be. He doesn't quite know what he is hoping or waiting for. But then Dex reaches up, squeezes his hand once, then lets go. It's so many things: thank you, got your back, and affirming their friendship in the moment. Derek settles in and falls asleep. 

The next two weeks are fun. Derek shows Dex around, chirps him for being a country boy, gets chirped for being a city boy, and generally feels more relaxed than ever. When he does run out of meds, seven days before their return to school, Dex seems to look at him a little weird sometimes. But Derek can't figure out why, or how he would even know that anything is up.

"You're shaky again," Dex points out as they eat their pizza for lunch on the last Saturday before returning to school on Sunday. Dex may have been reluctant to admit it, but he did fall in love with New York Pizza. Derek took him to his favorite place three times that week. 

"Huh?" Derek asks, chewing his bite. He shuts his mouth automatically, knowing Dex hates talking with mouths open. He swallows and takes a sip of water before continuing. "What do you mean?" 

"Your hand is shaking," Dex says, pointing. Derek looks down to find that his hand is indeed trembling a little bit. 

"Oh, it's chill," he bluffs, trying to sound casual. "Probably just caffeine still in my system." Dex narrows his eyes but doesn't push, and Derek does his best to calm his hands or keep them out of sight. Even though break wasn't bad and he's doing alright mentally, Monday and his next refill cannot come soon enough.

The semester begins like any other, but with a significant change: he and Dex are close. More than ever before. Chowder is still both of their best friends, but it's like the structure of their trio has changed. Instead of Derek and Will being tied to Chowder in a line, on opposite sides of him, now they're a fully connected triangle. One friend unit, but with distinct friendships between each pair. 

Derek and Will start doing things just to exist in the same space as each other. Derek does his homework in the kitchen with Dex and Bitty sometimes. Dex starts spending most nights in their shared room again. Chowder is thrilled and he does say how proud he is of them. They chirp him for being sappy, but all three are happy. Bitty looks on approvingly every time he sees it. 

So things with the frogs are kind of great. But school is still hard and hockey is intense. Bitty's graduating soon and everyone is feeling this insane pressure. It's not like they didn't feel the need to do well for Ransom and Holster or Jack and Shitty. But Bitty... they all want his last season to end well. And he is leading them wonderfully. But the pressure still piles up. 

Despite thinking he had gotten to a better place than last semester, he ends up in the same pickle: running out of meds early. This time by about ten single-doses. He has an extraordinarily rough week leading up to midterms, but he manages to make it through. Bitty and Dex eye him all week, and he starts retreating to his room to study, instead of  staying in the kitchen. When Dex comes up, Derek doesn't say much. They work in silence together. When he finally gets his refill and begin testing days, he knows he will be more chill, and returns to the kitchen after his last test of the week to only find Bitty. 

"Nursey, come help me with this?" Derek almost laughs. It comes out as more of a cough. 

"I thought I wasn't allowed to touch anything in here?" he says casually. 

"Changed my mind. Plus, you can't mess this up, just need to push it into the counter over and over," he explains, demonstrating a few times. Derek tries, and it takes a minute but he gets into a groove. 

"You're a natural," Bitty compliments.

"Next you're gonna tell me 'bless your heart,' huh?" Derek says with a chuckle and a hip check. 

"Nah, I mean it! You're doing fine with that, just keep going," Bitty says with a laugh as he works with his own different dough. Derek has bread dough it seems, and Bitty's working on pie crust. He likes to make them in bulk and put the disks in the freezer. 

They work silently for a few minutes and Derek starts to realize why, despite his size, Bitty is fucking strong. Derek's arm's are kind of burning. 

"Engage your abs more and it will take pressure off your biceps," Bitty chirps when he hears Derek start to breathe a little heavier.

"Ah, shut it, Bits," Derek rebuts, but there's no heat there. 

"Are you okay, Nursey?" Bitty asks, quieter now. He is still looking at his dough, probably to let Derek avoid eye contact if he wants to. Which he does.

"Yeah, Bits. I'm chill. How come?" He hopes they can drop it but he knows if he deflects too soon, it will only make Bitty more determined. 

"I just... you look anxious a lot lately. It's kind of reminding me of Jack," he states. Derek freezes, and quickly tries to resume his kneading. It's useless of course; Bitty totally noticed.

"Jack? I thought he... well, wasn't his anxiety a long time ago?" Derek knew the story. Or at least, the public story.

"Well, the worst of it, sure. But he still has anxiety. And sometimes when he's extra stressed, he does the same stuff you do."

"Like what?"

"Close himself off a bit, sometimes his hands shake, go into his interview voice without noticing. Sleep less."

"Hm," Derek hums to show he listened, but doesn't respond yet. He kneads, Bitty rolls. A few minutes pass.

"I know... you were closer with Lardo and Holster. But I'm here for you too. And so is Jack, if you need him. All of us have your back," Bitty finally says. Derek smiles, but it feels a little forced. 

"I know, Bitty. And just because I was close with them doesn't mean I don't..." Derek doesn't have the words. He's the words guy normally, but he can't figure out how to communicate that even though he and Bitty don't do this normally- bake and chat like he and Dex -that Derek loves Bitty. 

"Love you, Nursey," Bitty says, filling in the blanks for him.

"Love you too, Bitty," Nursey responds with a sigh of relief. Bitty determines the bread is ready for its rise, and puts it in a bowl. He wraps up five disks of pie dough, puts two in the fridge and three in the freezer.

Things calm down a little. School seems to chill out, hockey becomes more exciting despite being nerve wracking. But on a Saturday morning, Derek notices that he has four pills in his hand. For a Saturday. 

He spirals. He doesn't take any of the pills, which in retrospect probably made the spiral worse. He shoves them back in the bottle, hides it in his dresser, and panics. This is bad. This... he should talk to someone. He shouldn't be casually taking four pills on a good Saturday. How often is he doing this? This is probably why he's come up short the last two refills. Has he ever taken three and then taken another later in the day? Has he taken more than four? He can't remember. He worries himself in a circle for an hour and finally starts moving towards next steps. He should talk to someone. 

But he's afraid if he talks to the psychiatrist or school counselor, they'll think he's trying to hurt himself. His moms... he can't burden them with this. They already worry so much about him. And they never ever would say this, but Derek knows they blame themselves for his issues. It's what parents do. 

So Derek thinks about his options. Chowder would listen and be helpful, he's sure of it. But also... Chowder is really focused right now and stressed in his own way. Bitty is kind of the same, especially with his thesis coming up. There has been chatter of somehow taking away baking so he can focus... Derek's a little afraid of it getting to that point. But, that makes him think of Jack. 

Jack... well, Jack kind of knows exactly what he's going through, right? And because he knows that if he thinks any longer he will talk himself out of it, he walks out the door and hits call on Jack's contact as soon as his feet hit the sidewalk. He heads down the back trail down to the lake, where a few people will probably be hanging out but he can sit at the tree line on the far side, out of earshot and far enough away to not be watched closely.

Jack picks up on the third ring.

"Hey Nurse, what's up?" His voice sounds so chill, and suddenly Derek feels horrible about this. What if he triggers Jack? What if Jack just doesn't want to talk about this kind of think? Bitty said Jack was there for him but it's not like he and Jack were very close and-

"Nurse?" Jacks voice is sharp and cuts through the tornado of doubt for a moment. Derek realizes he's been holding his breath and inhales sharply.

"Are you okay, Nurse?"

"Yeah, Jack, I- I'm sorry. I shouldn't have- this is a bad idea, I just, um, how are you?" Derek stumbles his way to a fallen tree a little ways from the water line and sits. He can see people on the beach across from him, but they probably can't see him. 

"Well, I'm alright... but I don't think you are. And I don't think you called to check in on me, did you?"

"I guess not," Derek says guiltily. 

"Don't feel bad. I wasn't accusing you. I was just saying, I think you called because you need... something. And I've got your back," Jack finishes the sentence awkwardly, as if in interview-mode, but Derek can hear the sincerity. He almost feels like crying. Jack has his back even though they haven't had more than a surface level conversation in months. How does Derek deserve his team? 

"Nurse? You're breathing just got really fast. Slow it down, okay? In... 2, 3, 4, hold... out, 2, 3, 4, there you go, in..." Jack does this for a few rounds and it helps. Derek realizes he hasn't been keeping up with his breathing exercises or his normal coping skills lately. This is worse than he thought.

"I'm... afraid that I'm taking too much of my anxiety meds. But I don't even remember how I got here and I've run out before the refill twice now, and I'm scared that I'll keep getting worse and I'm afraid, I don't want to..." Derek gasps, and chokes back a sob. It all came rushing out and he can't take it back now. Jack is silent for a painfully long few seconds and Derek worries that he's going to hang up on him.

"Nurse. I got your back, okay? I'm glad you called me. I'm glad. This is not a burden, I am so glad you called." Jack's words rip something in Derek's chest. It's like he read Derek's mind, and Derek finally lets go and cries. 

"I'm so afraid. Everything is just so... so much. And I'm embarrassed. I'm ashamed. If my moms knew... or the doctor..." 

"I know how that feels, Nurse," Jack says. Derek sniffs, and wipes away tears. 

"What do I do?" 

Jack is quiet for a minute. Derek knows he won't hang up but the silence is still scary.

"I know you're embarrassed. But you need to tell someone else. I got your back, but I can only do so much from here. If you need to come visit, I'll pick you up. But if you don't want this to turn into a bigger issue with your doctor, someone around you needs to know what's going on."

"You don't think I need to tell the doctor?" Derek asks. His voice is so small.

"Nurse... you didn't get to this point on purpose right?" 

"No! No, definitely not."

"Well... I know how it feels to be ashamed of this. And if I had realized something was wrong at this point, instead of when it was too late, maybe... maybe I would've been able to handle it if I had some friends to support me. Like you've got there. If you get someone in the loop, who can help keep tabs and hold you accountable, I would say you can hold off on the doctor conversation at first. But that's just me thinking as someone who has lived this. As your friend, I think you should talk to the doctor too."

Derek breathes slowly before responding. That was more talking than he's heard from Jack, maybe ever. "I'll... keep the doctor in mind. I'll call immediately if something else goes wrong or if it still feels bad in a couple weeks. But I think I want to try and get back on track on my own, like you said."

"No, not on your own," Jack corrects swiftly. "You have to tell someone. It doesn't have to be the doctor. And I know it's not my business, but if you don't... Well, I'll probably talk to Bitty about it." Derek doesn't get defensive, even with the ultimatum.

"That's fair. But I don't want to stress Bitty out even more. He's got a lot on his plate," Derek reasons.

"Okay. So maybe Chowder? You know he'd be more than happy to help you," Jack proposes. 

"That... same as Bitty, man. He's stressed, even though he won't admit it."

"Alright, well who do you think it should be then?" Jack's words bounce around in his head with an image of Dex. He's been avoiding the thought of Dex, but realistically, Dex is the best option. He won't take  or give any shit, and he isn't in the same spot as Chowder and Bitty right now. His stress levels are seemingly normal.

"Dex," Derek answers, quiet but confident. There's a slightly too-long silence before Jack responds, not hiding his surprise very well. 

"If you're sure, then yeah. Dex has your back," Jack answers quietly. More calmly, he continues: "Tell him what's happening with the meds. If you're goal is to get back down to your normal dose, then he can either just help you stay accountable or..." Jack trails off and pauses.

"Or what?" 

"I'm just thinking. Maybe you could leave the bottle with him. I think... having someone do that for me could've saved... a lot of trouble. If you're not comfortable with that, at least make sure he knows what's up and how to help you. If you get like this again, he needs to let someone else know, like a counselor. Or me. And we can work on talking to your doctor."

"That... sounds smart," Derek allows. It is a smart plan. But it makes him acutely aware of his shame. And it brings up nasty old feelings about Dex that he hasn't had for years. What if Dex judges him? What if he thinks Derek is too privileged to have anxiety? What if he thinks Derek is a pussy for not being able to manage this on his own?

"Whatever spiral you're probably in, I bet it's not true," Jack says after a few moments of silence between them.

"You're right. I know it's not true. Doesn't make me less afraid."

"That's a mood," Jack says flatly and Derek almost chokes on his laughter.

"That's a mood?!?! Who are you and what have you done with Jack Zimmerman?" Derek chirps. Jack laughs with him.

"Bitty says it a lot, I guess I picked it up." Jack's laugh is like a warm breeze. It makes Derek feel lighter, and the weight on his chest seems to shrink. They both laugh more, probably more than is warranted for the humor of the conversation, but they both need the lighter mood. When they finally calm down, Jack speaks up again.

"So. You'll tell Dex. And get his help." 

"Yeah," Derek says with a sigh. Not a bad sigh. He knows he needs to do this. "I will." 

"Good. And if I maybe call Monday evening to check in with Dex, he'll be in the loop by then?" Sneaky. But necessary. 

"Yeah, Jack. I promise."

"Good. I'm glad, Nurse... I know I'm not as emotional as Bitty or the others. But I love you, Nurse. You're part of my family." 

Derek's breath hitches again, but this time the tears aren't so painful. He's so grateful for this team. This extra family he found. 

"Thanks, Jack. I, uh, love you too," he says awkwardly with a big sniff. "And Jack, look, I'm sorry if I... if I triggered anything, or..." 

" _No_ ," Jack says emphatically. "I appreciate it Nurse. But I know you're saying that because you feel guilty. Don't feel guilty. I'm okay. And you're gonna be okay, yeah?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I will. Thanks," he says again. 

"Good. Now tell me about happy things. What else is going on in your life?" Jack inquires, and they keep the conversation alive for a few minutes, talking about school and hockey and the Falconers. They say goodbye on a happy note, and even though his chest is still tight, Derek feels lighter. He heads back to the haus to find Dex. 

He finds Dex with the most awful possible timing, though. As Derek approaches their shared door, he hears Dex's voice on the other side.

"-because it's not, mom! It never has been! [...] Well I can't just... [...] No, you're not listening, mom. I'm telling you, that if I had kept going on like that, kept pretending, you might have lost me altogether." Derek inhales sharply, but he can't walk away. His feet are frozen to the floor. Dex continues his conversation.

"No- mom, listen, I'm good. I'm better than ever. But lying like that for as long as I did, that wasn't good. I won't do it again. Not even if Dad never wants to see me again for it. I don't care. [...] Well I guess I'm not coming home this summer then. [...] That's not my problem mom. I'm happy. I'm not going to change. He can deal with it or he can give up. I can't decide for him. [...] Alright. Goodbye." Derek suddenly finds his footing and immediately leaps across the hall into the bathroom, banging his knee on the door. 

"Shit!" He hurriedly closes the door to make it look like he was coming out of the bathroom, not going in. When he opens the door, Dex's head is poked poked out of their room.

"Oh, hey Nursey. What was that bang?" he asks, way chiller than Derek thinks he should be after whatever that conversation just was.

"Oh just hit my knee," Derek says. "It's chill." Dex smiles and opens the door to their room before he turns around and heads back to his laptop on the bunk. Derek follows him in. He tries desperately not to be weird or make any assumptions. They've been closer than ever lately. Still bickering, but good. Derek wants to sit next to Dex like they always do. But something stops him. 

"You know I got your back, Dex? Right?" he asks. 

Dex pauses his typing, but doesn't look up. "You heard that, huh?" 

"Yeah... some of it. But whatever it is, if you need to talk about it, y'know. I'm here."

"It's... I'm okay. I really am. But, well, I don't know. Family drama."

"Yeah," Derek murmurs. 

"Come sit. You look upset. Your eyes... have you been smoking?" Dex asks incredulously, patting the spot beside him. Derek feels relief flood through him that Dex invited him to sit so he can ignore the awkwardness he's feeling. He plops down and presses his shoulder to Dex.

"No, not smoking," he says quietly, letting Dex work it out.

"Nursey... were you crying? What's wrong?"

"I... If you've got family drama to deal with, I don't wanna..."

"No, Nursey. Forget about that. It's handled. Tell me what's going on." Derek feels a little bit like he's choking, the lightness from earlier gone. But he knows he's gotta get this done now, or he never will.

"I need help, Dex," he says, voice so quiet he isn't sure that Dex can hear.

Dex hears. "What kind of help? A counselor? Bitty?" He puts an arm around Derek's shoulder, and despite them both being over six feet tall, Derek feels incredibly small in Dex's arm. It's not a bad feeling. 

"Not Bitty. I don't want to add to his plate right now. And not Chowder either. You know he's more stressed than he lets on..." Derek trails off and Dex nods. "And not the counselor yet, if I can avoid it. If things stay bad or get worse, then yeah. The counselor. And my doctor. But for now I want to try and fix... this, on my own," Derek says. "No, not on my own," he corrects, remembering Jack's words. "With help, from someone I trust and who can hold me accountable. But... without the doctor for now." Derek lifts his head to get a look at Dex's face, and Dex looks scared. Derek doesn't like that.

"Okay. What is it? What do you mean hold you accountable?" 

Derek doesn't know how to say what he needs to say next. Instead, he hops up from the bed, causing Dex to jump a bit. He goes to his dresser and pulls out his anxiety meds, and then hands them to Dex, who takes them with a very strained look on his face.

"I need you to make sure I only take one a day. I swear I'm not trying to hurt myself, but I've just been so stressed that I've been taking too many... and I don't want to end up in a bad spot. Or, worse than now, I guess. I've run out before my refill twice now. I normally do stick to one a day, but bad days I just don't notice... The times I ran out, once was while we were on break, and the other time leading up to midterms." A look of recognition crosses Will's face. Derek presses on.

"I... I had four in my hand this morning without even thinking about it, and it's a Saturday. Some days I probably take four or five even, and I barely notice. I talked to Jack on the phone this morning, because, well, he... gets it. And he said if I didn't want to go to the doctors yet, I'd have to tell someone who could help me. And... I don't know if you're even comfortable with this," Derek rambles, all his irrational fears from earlier front and center once more, and reaches for the bottle to take it back from Dex, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-" Dex doesn't let go. Their hands are overlapped where Dex is holding the bottle and Derek is trying to grab it. Dex gently yanks his hand back, bottle still in his grip. He stands up and pulls Derek into a hug, shocking him into silence. 

Derek doesn't get his arms up to return the hug before Dex pulls away, but it doesn't seem like Dex minds. 

"Of course I'll help you, Nurse. Are you sure you shouldn't talk to the doctor about this, though?"

Derek hangs his head. "Jack said that as my friend, he thinks I should. But as someone who understands the feelings, he gets why I don't want to straight away. And if you know, he won't get Bitty involved."

"How about, I help, however you need me to. But in a week, you call the doctor. That way you can tell them that you're getting it under control and have someone looking out for you, but if anything gets worse, or if things go south as you back off the dosage... they can help, too." Dex still has hands on Derek's shoulders, the left one just resting there because it's still holding the bottle.

Derek considers it, and knows that it's a good compromise. He should tell the doctor. And a psychiatrist is not like a counselor... they don't have the same relationship. He shouldn't feel so embarrassed. 

"Yeah. Yeah, I'll call in a week." 

"Good," Dex says with a smile. "For now... what kind of help do you want? I could hold onto the bottle for you, or..." he stops at Derek's nod.

"I think... since I barely noticed it was getting out of hand, you should hold onto it." 

"Okay. I can do that. You're gonna be okay, Nurse," he assures him. Dex, the comforter. Who would've thought? Derek smiles, and so does Dex.

"Now come on, I've got a paper to write but I want you to sit with me. Grab a book or something," Dex instructs. Derek is a little surprised, but settles in comfortably next to Dex and they spend the morning together.

After about two hours, Dex wraps up his homework. When he closes his laptop, Derek puts down his book and stretches, laughing when Dex jabs at his exposed ribs.

"Nurse..." Dex trails off, sounding unsure. Derek suddenly remembers the phone call and the... implications, it carried. 

"Yeah?"

"Can I stay with you this summer?" 

The air practically leaves Derek's lungs. He wasn't expecting that at all.

"Oh. Yeah dude of course! No doubt. That would be chill."

"You seem surprised. What did you think I was about to say?" Dex asks with a chuckle. 

Without giving it much thought, Derek answers, "Kinda thought you were about to tell me you're gay or something," and both of them freeze. 

After an awkward silence, Derek begins rambling again, "I'm so sorry, I wasn't thinking before I spoke and I shouldn't have implied... but if you were, it's okay, just I, I shouldn't say stuff like that and... oh god." Derek flops to the side and throws his arm over his face. He figures Dex might leave the room and things are going to be awkward for a while. But instead, Dex starts laughing.

Derek peeks out from under his arm to see Dex with his head tossed back, laughing with his whole chest.

"I am gay, Nurse," he finally says, holding out his hand to haul Derek back up to sitting. Derek takes it and settles back in next to him. He doesn't really know what to say. Dex continues, "Don't you dare say something cheesy, like 'thank you for trusting me with this moment' because I already got that from Bitty," Dex says pointedly, but with a smile. Derek knows exactly what to say.

"That's.... chill," he states, and Dex groans. They both laugh, and Derek feels that lightness from earlier, back again. 

* * *

The weekend after they win their last game of Bitty's senior season, they're sitting in the mostly empty haus, on the floor in the living room with Bitty, Jack, Chowder, Farmer, Ransom, Holster, Shitty, Lardo, Ollie, and Wicks. The underclassmen have moved out, and the alumni all came back to watch the seniors graduate. Ollie and Wicks are leaning against a wall and each other, Bitty is pressed to Jack's side with Jack's arm around his shoulder, Chowder right next to him in a similar position with farmer, and Shitty is laying with his head in Lardo's lap. Ransom and Holster are leaning on the wall opposite Ollie and Wicks, and Derek and Will are next to each other but not currently touching. 

Derek reflects on the last few weeks, and how grateful he his to be here with this family. He's back on track with his meds; not perfect, but getting there. Back to more regular meetings with the counselor and phone calls with the doctor and his moms. They won the cup, and he couldn't be more happy to send Bitty off like that, even if he wasn't on the ice for the final minutes of the game. His last check was amazing. Stuff of legends. And his new tooth is kinda hot. Jack definitely thinks so, too.

Dex is going to be a great captain next year. And follow in Bitty's footsteps in more ways than one. He hooked the oven back up after Bitty's thesis was done and made Bitty a pie. It was kind of poetic. 

Derek smiles over at Dex, who smiles back. Things are good. They really are. He's looking forward to the summer. He's sad that things are changing and Bitty's leaving, and he is scared to think about being seniors and graduating and... he stops himself mid spiral, focusing on the freckles on Dex's hand where he's leaning on the floor. He's scared, but it will be okay. Things are great. 

The gang shoots the shit for a while, while many of their parents are off having dinner together without them. They needed this time together, and their parents understood. Bitty is looking at his phone, which is not unusual, but his face pinches up. That's concerning.

"What's wrong, Bits?" Ollie asks.

Bit's mouth drops open, and Derek is reminded of Dex telling him he looked like a fish once. 

Bitty finally bursts out with a yell, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T TELL ME!" directed right at Derek and Will, who both reel back in surprise. 

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Dex asks frantically.

"Yeah Bits, chill dude," Shitty says, with a wink at Derek. Derek is just confused.

"I will not chill! How could y'all let this happen?" Bitty rants, waving his phone around. Jack grabs his  wrist to look at the screen, then laughs loudly. 

"What is it?" Derek asks. 

Bitty crawls over and shoves the phone in his face. On his screen is an edited clip from ESPN, uploaded to Youtube titled, "Center ice hockey kiss round 2" from some account called _charmer_. 

Derek looks over at Will with wide eyes. 

"Bitty..." Dex says calmly, like you would to try and calm a cat before taking it to the vet. "We thought you knew?" 

The whole group explodes laughing, as Bitty grumbles and goes back to Jack's arm. But he's fighting a smile. Derek can see it. Will scooches over to Derek and throws and arm around his shoulder, winks at Bitty, and then kisses Derek. 

Bitty squeals, and the whole group laughs again. Derek leans into Will. Yeah. Thinks are good.

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me if you figure out Dex's other reason for visiting Derek instead of Chowder 😉 and tell me what you thought! I love these characters, and even though canon-Dex has a lot of personal work to do before he deserves Nursey, I love their ship to pieces. That's not the main point of this story though- It's mostly about Nursey and his mental health. But if you wanted something more romance-central, check out the next work in the series! It's the same three years, but way more detailed and in depth, and from Dex's point of view.


End file.
